Not one sparrow falls...

hahaha... due to unforseen events i am considering scrapping the whole place down... Crap.. haha.. my semi-private blog has turned public wehehe... I guess it was something really inevitable..

sigh. I really want some shut eye right now but hell... I want to get this done and over with... Pasensya na lang kung may spelling at grammatical errors.

(to the person who texted me at exactly 1:30AM just to notify me of his discovery)
So you know about this blog, huh? haha. I have to admit that I am curious as to how you obtained this URL. Galing mo talaga tumiming chong. Sakto pa talaga yung pag dating ng message mo sa pagsisimula ni Lyndon na magpaliwanag sa mga nangyari. Tingnan mo nga naman ang pagkakataon ano? Gulantang na nga ako ginulantang nyo pa ako lalo. nyak. I didn't expect your reaction though. It was... shall I say.. graceful? To be honest, I don't really know how to react. haha. bangag na talaga siguro ako. 13 hours pa lang tulog ko this week.

too sleepy.

But i have a prayer meeting in a few minutes and a dinner appointment @ 2030 hrs.

sigh.

and armand's chatting up a storm in ym and i can't seem to take my leave.

yawn.

some psycho is making my phone ring like hell and God knows I won't take that call. people can't seem to understand the concept of distance... nuff said.

non-acad+exam sched for the remaining days of this week and the coming week:

July 8-10 MOOmedia Teambuilding @ Fontana
July 9 0800-1700 ORIENT2
2000 Pick my dad up at the airport
July 10 1100-1400 Lunch with the whole clan
1600-? DLSU vs ADMU game @ Araneta
July 11-15 1800-2030 Family Meetings
July 11 0700-0800 Meeting with COSCA
1300-1400 Lunch with Chal and Lisa
1400-1530 Residency for CSO
July 12 1630-1750 Macroeconomics midterm exam
July 13 1250-1420 MOOmedia concert @ the amphitheater

yan palang ata eh. oh well. kung may nalimutan man ako, titingnan ko na lang sa planner.

just a few words to the few people i gave access to this site whom i don't see often

- Eric, my beloved, I miss you! Magpakita ka naman sa mga training!
- Joe! [hugz!!!]
- Aikee, my beloved boss, I miss you too. (kaso pakiramdam ko tulad ng dati pag namimiss kita bigla kang lumilitaw. tulad nung time na hinarang tayo ni rondel sa sj walk. hehe)
- Sally, I still like dorks. hehe. Kamusta work? I haven't been using my sun number for the past few days. Sensya na kung di ko natatanggap messages mo.

-- sa mga taong nakikita ko araw-araw.. nawa'y maging maligaya kayo. hehe.

oh no! mahuhuli na ako! baboosh!

6:18 PM

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005 i just had to make another post

This post is totally unrelated to my earlier one today....

Why do people fail to respect the ideas inherent in TRIPS (as in Trade-Related Aspects of Intellectual Property Rights)? Geez. I hate it when people pirate another person's hard work (well, except in electronic media. hehehe). Putting it a bit simply, i hate cheaters and plagiarizers -- especially those who plagiarize and cheat off me..

Cripes.

8:22 PM

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finally calm and free of anxiety

I just finished my econometrics exam and literature online quiz and I am greatly relieved by it. this feeling of relief is aided by the fact that I have finally vanquished some of my demons - which I did in my last entry.

Anyway, I would just like to take this moment to say sorry for bringing up what I did in my last entry. I guess I just had to let it all out.

Cheers!

Keeping dark feelings and dark thoughts in a dark container will not ease the pain it brings. Only when these things are brought out into the light that they finally recede into the nothingness that they should be.

8:14 PM

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Monday, July 04, 2005 fuck you

sorry for the crass word but hell, i'm so damnably aggravated i could blow something up if i knew how to. shit. This is what happens when you try to bottle up every shred of negative emotion in trying not to make anyone upset or worried.. Given my current mental state, I will not feel remorse over saying the things I am about to say and for dredging up a couple of issues that had transpired in the past. It is my belief that I need to get this out of my chest so that could finally have emotional peace. I prefer to blog it rather scream it out in my church/home for practical and obvious reasons.

first off.. FUCK YOU bau for sending these electronic mails to me:

Email #1
From: Chino Bautista
To: greenarrow@greenarcher.net
Subject: the reply didn't go very well
Date: Sun 08/22/04 09:28 AM

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okay... sorry if pangit yung reply, ngayon lang din ako nagcheck ng email.

To clear up lang.

1. Kung tutuusin wala na ring silbi yung e-mail mula nung nabasa ko yung blog mo after i apologized... eh kung sa ayaw mo di ba? Hindi ako basta-basta humihirit sa blog. Bakit ako mandidiretso eh binabasa siya ng ibang tao na wala namang may kinalaman? Moving on...

2. Masaya ako at minamahal ka talaga ni Patrick... seryoso ito, at seryoso rin ako sa pagsabi na sana ang unti-unti pag papalinang sayo ng relasyon niyo ay ang magpatino as iyo dahil...

3. Kahit na masama ako noon, at minsan ngayon, hindi ko maitatago na dahil ito sa hindi mo magandang ugali. Ako lang siguro sa class ang may kapal ng mukha para imudmud sa mukha mo... uh, malalim lang filipino ko, pero constructive siya, di meant para mang insult...

Iyon, pagbutihin mo ang iyong pag-aaral at nang ikaw ay mas maging masaya at matagumpay sa iyong kinabukasan... Alagaan mo rin ang relasyon mo kay dahil katumbas iyan ng pagkakapanalo sa lotto...

Ingat!!!

Email #2
From: Chino Bautista
To: greenarrow@greenarcher.net
Subject: Re: I really really sorry for the offense...
Date: Sun 08/22/04 08:41 AM

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Minsan naisip ko, san di ko na lang napadala yung sulat, di dahil malaki nanaman pride ko, pero sayang din sa oras

"Hindi mo rin kayang pigilan yung sarili mo, ano?"

Sana nagcheck ka na lang ng mail dahil mas nauna pa to sa blog. Sayang...

I'm happy that may nakatiis sa iyong tao, Atenista pa man din.

-- Now back to my bitching. I should have forgiven you really.. but you had to mess things up by telling Gino that I didn't like how he performed as my AVP... seriously speaking... it was something you shouldn't have butted in on... why? because you're not a fucking member of the student council and you had no business meddling in its affairs. Any professional complaint I may have about him is none of your concern. I am his boss and you're not. Therefore, I had the right to reprimand him. Crap. You just made trouble for me by shooting your mouth off to a member of the other political party.. Thanks for letting me live through a barrage of hate text messages.. just when i thought the issue of me defecting to santugon was already old news THIS had to happen. Geez. Now you might be asking why did i have to dig up those fucking emails? because i want to fucking show the people who read my blog why do i feel fucking insecure when i have no reason to... it is because you have put me down countless times along with other people who didn't give a damn whether what you were saying battered other people's self-esteem... why were you singled out? because you were the worst of em all. and you were right in saying: 'no amount of "sorry"s would erase the mean things i have said to you'. damn right. you can't just take back everything you said. You can't undo the troubles you caused me either. now that i have FINALLY said what is on my mind. let me post a few replies that i got when i forwarded the emails to some of my friends:

From : Frances Bituin
Sent : Tuesday, August 24, 2004 1:11 PM
To : Rachelle Batan
Subject : Re: i hate myself...

Ano ba 'yan?!? do you really believe the crap that Bau wrote?!? My gosh... do you really believe you don't deserve patrick?!? tang-ina 'yan! who the hell is he to say that to you?!? what he said is crap!!! what the fuck! parang ka raw nanalo sa lotto with Pat... that is bullshit! and what's up with that line na "atenista pa man din"??? another bullshit! hay naku... you shouldn't be listenin to Bau... My gosh, Rache... bakit ba nagcomment si Bau on your relationship with Patrick??? Ano bang nasa blog mo? sorry... i don't know about what you wrote sa blog... Anyway, that is not the point... your relationship with Patrick shouldn't be Bau's business... It's none of his goddamn business!
If you think that you don't deserve Pat because you think you're a rotten person... my gosh, Rache... you are not a bad person... well, at least, that's my opinion... Of course, you have your good side and your bad side... We all do!!! ...Your not a saint... We know that... Patrick knows that... and he loves you just the same... basta.... Hindi ka masamang tao... Stop thinking that you don't deserve Patrick... Don't think that way... Isipin mo na lang that he loves you and you love him... Yun naman dapat ang importante, dba?
Anyway, sige... i'll call you sometime sa weekend so we can talk and catch up on each other's lives... Parang telenovela ang life mo... sige... ingat lagi...

Rachelle Batan wrote:

Friend.. I don't think I deserve Patrick... Lam mo yun... he doesn't deserve a rotten person like me... I'm a bad peron altogether. I should hate my myself for existing... Lam mo tama siya eh.. parang nanalo ako sa lotto nung nakilala ko si patrick... di ko nga alam kung bakit niya ako pinagtitiisan eh. lam mo dapat na talaga akong lumayo sa kanya. pat deserves better.

From : Chal C.
Sent : Monday, August 23, 2004 12:45 PM
To : rachers75@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: i hate myself... :P

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oki doki... isa itong halimbawa ng e-mail na hindi dapat binibigyang halaga at panahon...

una...

pangalawa...

pangatlo...

iyon... lng dapat ang maging reaksyon mo... wala... at wala ng iba

dahil...

1. walang basehan ang kanyang pag-akusa sa iyo na masama ang iyong ugali... sana man lng in-elaborate niya...
2. binabasa at nag-rereact siya sa mga blogs mo para lamang i- put down ka [ang ebidensya'y nsa blog mo naman]
3. sabi niya 'constructive critism', ngunit kahit sino ay sasabihing 'flames' ang kategoryang pagbabagsakan nito sapagkat nga
4. paraan lang niya ito upang matakpan ang katotohanang nawawalan na ng saysay ang kanyang buhay
5. kaming mga kaibigan mo ang ebidensya na hindi ka pa kampon ng kasamaan

*basically, iisa lang ang sinasabi ko dito pero, dahil nalilibang ako sa pag-type, pagbigyan mo na... hehehe*

kaya...

1. iwasang pansinin at basahin ang kanyang mga rantings at para hindi ka nagkakaganyan
2. kumuha sa ibang tao ng second opinion at baka nahihibang na ang taong iyan
3. itanong sa sarili... gaano ba siyang ka-importante sa buhay ko upang bigyan ko ng halaga ang kanyang opinyon

at kung hindi pa ito sapat...
4. isiping mahal ka naman ng mga taong minamahal mo... special mention si eche...

wehehehe... iyun lang po...
hanggang sa muli!

nagta-type, sasha :p hehehehe... malungkot ang buwan ngayon, kaya smile ka naman dyan :D

--- 2 replies over the net and a few more over the telephone and cellphone. I thank God for my friends who told me I wasn't as bad as I thought I was... though I kinda feel sorry that some of them got all riled up coz of it (esp. one particular atenean) Oh well.. now that's done... i shall now start forgiving myself for thinking i should do away myself since I am a no-gooodnik. I shall also start making amends to THAT person since it seems that my inability to express anger suppressed genuine forgiveness on my part.

anyway... FUCK YOU lyndon for physically harrassing me.. for french kissing me without my permission since you did it when i was sleeping in our friend's palce... for betraying my trust in you as a friend.. for rendering me immobile and proceeding to second base.. fuck you for not keeping quiet. you just had to fucking tell your friends how you 'conquered' the suppossedly unreachable me.. I refrained from talking about it just to keep my face but being the half-assed bastard that you are you just had to brag about it as if i am a fucking trophy. If you fucking want to leave your fucking girlfriend who got herself pregnant and begat 2 kids with two different men then leave her without using me as an excuse. Fuck. It was a good thing that i started making a noise/crying after you removed you mouth from mine after the nth time... holy crap.. i don't even want to imagine what the hell would have happened... It is something I do not want to happen to me ever again. damn you. Pat told me to forgive you and give him relevant details.. but i fucking didn't. not because i don't want to see your face in a bloody pulp but because i want to avoid unnecessary altercations... for those who are reading this part and have read the first writeup Patrick made for me: now you know where the phrase 'rude men' came from..

fuck GMA for making a bigger mess out of this forsaken country. geez. she's a fucking economist. she, of all the people, should know that political stability is an externality necessary to pull the Phil. economy out of its almost 55 years slump. why in the fucking name of makai did she have to make that damn phone call? why in the accursed name of Pothos did the opposition themselves seek instability and further aggravation of poverty only to gratify their fucking selves? fuck them all in the accursed system... they only use their power to protect the rich 20% of the population and leave the marginalized 80% to fend starvation and death off by themselves.

fuck to roommates who don't even know how to remove their hair in the water drain in the shower, how to refrain from eating too much of their roommate's own food leaving only a few to the ladder, how to keep their traps shut when their roommates wants to have some shut eye... and for asking too many questions regarding the exam the next day causing their roommate to lose sleep....they should learn how to listen and class and understand the lesson rather than expecing other people to explain it to them. they fucking pay the teachers to teach them what's the use of their salary if you make it your roommate's burden to help you understand.. if that is what you fucking want then stop schooling and pay tuition to your roommate instead...

fuck you cancer cells that had to invade my grandma's body.. fuck you too enlarged heart that torment my other grandma.. i sometimes want to bear their pain... it is so frustrating to think that it is entirely possible that they would suffer until they meet kuya jess... cripes.. (holding back tears..)

i know i am fucking direct but hell..this is one great big load off my chest.the hell.. I should practice moderation... bottling feelings is a dangerous biz.. I guess I have to look for outlets to quell my frustration.. i'm so sleepy.. i'm dead tired from ranting, taking care of sick people and tending to the store's inventory.. guess i have to bounce out..

peace.

1:52 AM

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I'm planning on shutting down this site...

i just had to make another post

finally calm and free of anxiety

fuck you