Not one sparrow falls...

I screamed like hell when I almost squished a dead rat during my CWTS. Argh! I feel horrid... screaming like that...

Anyway, just today we went to our partner community and presented our project proposal. The meeting was a brief one for we only spent about two hours in the area before heading back to school. However, during that short period of time I got annoyed at our facilitator. He kept on saying that it doesn't matter if the community cannot sustain the project in the long run for its their problem not ours... Patently, had he not been older than me I would have given him a substantial amount of my mind. My point is that his view is all wrong. He, of all people, should have known that we are supposed to help the community and give teach them something that is profitable and feasible at the same time. Instead, he kept on missing the fact that our project is supposed to be continuous that means it goes on even after the block finishes their CWTS. Argh! How simple minded can he get?!

A famous man once said that if you give a hungry man food you feed him for a single day but give him a job and he'll never go hungry for the rest of his life. This is the thought we have in mind in proposing our project. Thankfully, his acute brain did not hinder the approval of our project.

On another tack, Beni already stopped crying but he rarely talks and laughs the way used to. He simply stares at nothingness and sings the most absurd of songs. I think he's in a state of shock... how sad... How I wish I could help him... but how can you help someone who won't even help himself?
>rae<

2:11 AM

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Saturday, November 29, 2003

I went home depressed and depressed myself more by reminding myself that I cannot be the one for him. I don't even have the talents that endeared mitzi to him... but enough selfish talk...

I got depressed, earlier this morning simply because of the fact that my friend Beni was crying his eyes over the suicide of his best friend. When I saw him crying I felt crying too. I could just feel his pain and I wanted to take some of it away from him just to ease his already heavy burden. I wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him that everything would be fine but i can't do that because we both know that it won't be and that the past won't change.

How could he take his own life without regard of the pain he would inflict to those lives he had touched. How patently ungrateful of him to give up on life that so many have wanted to prolong. How selfish of him to hurt all of those who cared for him... I don't know Beni's bestfriend personally but his action made me condemn him. Damn him, who gave him the authority to make people cry with his selfishness! There are so much to live for and so many avenues to take and explore but he opted for the dead end (no pun intended!). Did it ever occur to him that there are others who are suffering greater sorrow than him but still manages to smile at the face of so much adversity? I guess not, otherwise we would not have taken his life...

Its depressing how people take the most important things in life for granted. Its sad to say that people still forget to appreciate and love what he has. For beni's part, I think he is regrettting the fact that he was not there when his best friend needed him or even boosted his feelings when his best friend felt low. I told him that he should not blame himself because it was his best friend's decision. However, if were in beni's stead I would probably feel the same way. I would probably beat myself up that i have not shown my best friend how much i care. I would probably look more lost than him and would sport a far more blank stare and pour gallons of tears and because of that I admire his silent approach and yet afraid of it. What I mean is that I'm glad that he has a rein over his feelings but I am also afraid that it'll build up and cause him to teeter over the edge. He's already near the edge and he doesn't need another push. Well, I hope he finds serenity...
>rae<

12:14 AM

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Thursday, November 27, 2003

November 27, 2003 17:28

   I still am convinced that there is no hope for us and any proof to the contrary is just a figment of my imagination. I can choose to be contented in just loving him without expecting anything in return. I can choose to distract and immerse myself in work, which would probably beneficial, but I can’t do that. It seems that in completely losing myself in him that I have found myself. Maybe in loving a person one can find his real potential because in loving you tend to be your best and attain more. I don’t know yet but I’ll see…

   I miss him. Stupid me… just 19 hours earlier I heard his voice over the phone but I’m not content. I guess the song I just can’t get enough would just describe what I feel. Know what? Just the thought of him makes me smile. He makes me smile. O why did God give me Patrick if only to give me smiles and tears at the same time? I miss him terribly. I miss the warmth and security of his arms. I miss his strength… his concern, his smile, his hands… I’m going out of my gourd just thinking of him. I’ve got to get a grip… before I completely lose my sanity. I have to promise to myself that I won’t text him if he doesn’t text me first. I can’t be dependent on him… no sir I shouldn’t. By making him my life and my everything I am being dependent. I have to be self-sufficient. Drat… no rationalizing on my part could erase the picture in my head. Dash it all! I know its impossible but I keep on thinking about it.

   Lord, please give me a sign if I should continue on. Tell me what to do. If there is something in store for us, you know what I mean, please stop me from doing something stupid. Yet if YOU wish him to serve you as a priest… please… Lord let me find another… spare my heart the pain… please… It hurts me just to know that we cannot be together or knowing that if I spend my time with him, eventually he would leave me for You. It would hurt even more if lost him when in fact there could have been something more between us. I don’t mind losing out on You Lord since You love him more that I ever could. Moreover, he will be better off with you than with me. But Lord, sorry for being intrusive but I love that guy so much… do you mind if I ask you if I could have him? Could You lend him to me for the rest of his stay on earth? I know I am being selfish and that I am depriving those who would benefit from his priesthood but Lord I would like it so much if You could spare him to me. I mean, Lord could I have him? If he’ll have me that is… I don’t know what to say Lord. It seems that I have given up on the idea of giving him up. Lord, why is that way? You’re hard competition, Lord. I know I could never match You but could You, out of your immense kindness, give me the heart he has so much lifted up to You? I can’t believe I am praying to You through Microsoft word but if I say it I would come out garbled and all jumbled up. My breath is all too tied up in my sobs to speak to You Lord about him. I am lifting my heart to You Lord. If You could join mine with his, I thank you Lord. In my loneliness I have sought for You Lord. I don’t know why but I did. Perhaps, deep inside, I know that you’d understand me since You love him too. In pouring my feelings to You I don’t feel stupid for doing so. Lord, if you’re holding him in your arms could you hold me too? Could you just give him my love Lord? I’d appreciate it so much. Perhaps, because its all I could do. I’m not scared of him anymore nor am I afraid of getting hurt. I’d like to take that risk, Lord if you’ll allow me. However, when he opts to be with You, could You help me through the pain I will endure? I don’t know how will I bear it alone. Lord, you brought him my life for a reason and whatever it was I thank You. For at least You gave me an opportunity to love someone like him. Could You lend me Your shoulder Lord? I just need something to cry on…

>rae<

8:46 PM

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November 27, 2003 00 something hours...

   love is a decision... yeah sure. So if I take that as true, I have decided to love him more than anything else in the world and I have also decided to take this path of whatchamacallit. I never expected to love him. not really. When I knew him I had made up my mind to admire him. Why not? He's practically close to perfect. He's a responsible person, a loving son/brother and a gentleman. He's the class valedictorian (and probably will graduate summa/magna fr college), a chorale member, a third degree black belter, a dancer, an artist, a committed catholic... what more can you ask from this guy?

   He's really someone to admire so I did but I never expected to fall for him. For one thing he is two years my senior, too darn close to perfect, and so far away to reach. Our friendship when I was in second year was practically a shred from acquaintancy(?) During my junior and senior year, i forgot about him but here is right now at the nucleus of my heart with just like that. I'm so stupid... really... to fall for him like that. Who am I to be loved by a person like him? Compared to his brilliance I'm but a mere shadow. He deserves someone better than me. I know that but stupidly I still choose to love him. That's annoying. I CHOSE to love him but can I un-choose him? I'm really trying but its not happening. Logic is not working right now and I could just kick myself for it. For one thing, coincidentally, when I practically swore him off my life he suddenly sends me this message that he's thinking of me... What kind of a joke was that? Just when I thought I could get past him but nooooo he texts me and poof I'm back to where I started. I can't help it. He inspires to be a better person. He makes me feel like a princess. He makes me realize that I'm fairly adequate and sometimes better than others. He makes me feel IMPORTANT something that i never feel. He made me see that in the tapestry of life, only I can fill that particular patch and no one else could. Crap! How could I get away from something so good? But I shouldn't love him. I really shouldn't. He's too much for me. Moreover, I know that he cannot love me. I just don't want to get hurt in the end. I am saving myself of the pain. Is that a crime? But I can't forget him. He took over my being already and constantly pervades my thoughts. Why did he have to enter my life? Why did his plane have to arrive super early? Why did he have to shower me with attention? Why did I chance to have him as my escort? Why can't I accept that what happened is my last chance? My debut was the last chance I could have to make him mine for even just a little while. It was my last chance to feel that way. It was my last chance to create that memory of him that should last me forever. How come I am looking for more? It’s the freaking last time why can't i just friggin accept it!!! All the statements that people say about him and I being so perfect for each other are a bunch of lies! There can never be a Patrick and I. Impossible! With zero... zilch probability. It hurts and its hard to accept but I have to. He should be a priest. I could just imagine him much better off being stuck to God instead of being stuck with me. Garr! When I asked God to give me a replacement for the person I used to love I didn't expect it to be him. I did not expect God to lend him to me. LEND because right now I have to return him. I got to stop loving him. I really do. I have to decide not to. Don't anyone tell me I am letting him slip away. How can I let slip away something that was never in my grasp. I have to forget all notions extraneous to the idea of friendship. I have to distance myself. I got to stop lying to myself that there is a possiblity for us to be together. I got to stop these delusions. Face the facts rae... he's not meant for you no matter what they say.

   How could I find someone like him again? I doubt I could... he's too hard to match... and too hard to forget. Too easy to love and too easy can he capture my heart... It’s so frustrating… Punyales!!! Ich liebe sich!!! I frigging love him!!! I knew that just a few moments ago when my heart swelled at the sound of his voice. I knew that when I was in his arms. I knew that when his lips touched mine. But what the hell do I know?? I don’t even friggin know if he feels, even slightly the same way. I don’t friggin know anything. I feel stupid. Illogical even. I feel so wonderful just a while ago but now I’m miserable knowing that I have to let him go. Who am I fooling? I can’t even let go him because just right now I’m thinking of him still. It has been two hours since I last heard his voice… you see he disconnected his phone so that he could focus on whatever he is doing but he connected it just to talk to me. .. was he being sweet or just being polite?? The latter I guess… I don’t know what to think! Part of me wants to believe that but another part is telling me that he did want to talk to me. Argh! Why did he have to come into my life only to create order and havoc at the same time? Let him go rae! Let him go! He’s not for you. Utter damnation! I really do have to kick myself. I can’t even decide not to love him. If love is a decision how come I don’t remember deciding to love him? If love is a decision then how come I can’t decide to do the opposite? If love is a decision why can’t I tell my heart not to decide that way? If love is a decision why is logic not working? Am I getting tired of waiting, I think not… I am just friggin afraid of losing him in the end and get my heart torn away from my chest.

   Ayokong mawala siya kaya pakakawalan ko siya. Kahit papaano maiibsan ang sakit dahil hindi iigting ang nararamdaman ko. Pero bakit nasasaktan ako? Bakit parang di ko siya kayang pakawalan? Ayoko na talaga! Pero mahal ko siya…. Ang laki ko talagang hangal… nakakainis… ayaw gumana ng utak ko…

>rae<

8:23 PM

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I can't write my paper... I can't seem to get this thing out of my head. Its making me crazy. I can't concentrate. Either I am really love with the person or its just that my hormones is kicking in. Ah! at last my last statement is showing some shred of logic. Good for me. I thought I have to devise a way to kick my ass to get my brain working for the right reason... but hell, i can't still get this things out of my head. grumble... grumble... I know I asked God to find me a suitable replacement for my ex-crush but I did not expect him to hurl the perfect guy right at me. I don't know how to handle it!!! It's practically driving me nuts! Sure, I'm nuts for him but is he nuts for me? Garr! This is so frustrating! Its like knowing almost everything but those that are essential. Garr! Could anyone just shoot me???

**
Kill the Buddha as you meet him. Kill the father as you meet him. Never be captivated by anything or anyone and live your life the way that you are.

7:12 PM

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Monday, November 24, 2003

I seem to be searching for love... I am searching for a person that I can love and at the same time reciprocate the feeling. I seem to have found the right person to love but I am so afraid of loving him. I am so afraid that that person would not feel the same way. I am so afraid of losing that person. Why? Its because loving him is like conquering the highest peak and as they say the higher up you are the harder you fall. I don't want to risk hurting myself by loving someone like him. Moreover, he's too darn close to perfect! I am not fit for him! He deserves someone better. Who am I to deserve his affections? Who am I to be the focus of his life? I could understand if he's just an ordinary guy but the fact is that he's extraordinary....

Sino ba ako
para ibigin mo?
Isang anino
kumpara sa liwanag mo.

6:30 PM

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Monday, November 03, 2003

Written with strong after effects of the debut and post-debut experience

I still wonder how your touch warm my being
How your smile intensifies my own
I still wonder why we could never run out of things to talk about
Why we could go on and on as time seemed to slow and later stop
As the world seem to stop in time for two weird people to cherish every moment

**

I wonder why food seems more delicious when shared with you and yet seem less important. I wonder why simple words usually devoid of meaning be a lot more when comes from you

**

This whirlwind of emotions overwhelmed me unexpectedly. I did not know how one night could shake my world. I did not know how one event could make me realize who I am. I did not know how one man could make me see that I am complete. I did not know that one man could make me yearn for his hand not for the security it could bring but for the happiness and contentment it promises.
>rae<

7:05 PM

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